I can't believe I got out of bed just to blog this, but I desperately do need to pen these thoughts down. I'm not sure if it's the emotions talking, but I do feel extremely emotional as I type this down now.
I contemplated dayre-ing this instead of blogging (since nobody comes here anymore) and what's the point of writing all these if nobody comes and comfort me thereafter right? Isn't that the whole point of a concoction that involves "emotional post" and "blog"?
But the allure of not having anymore read this, but at the same time to be able to pen it down is too great. & I don't want to deal with questions and sympathy should people decide to react to my midnight muse.
I feel like my life revolves around my boyfriend. I am working as a freelancer now, and I do have a (much) regular working hours as compared to one of my previous company - so this really mean that I have more time to overthink and get all drama mama.
But the point is, I really do feel that my life revolves around my boyfriend.
Monday - Friday, we work so 80% text +20% meet up (dinner, mostly). When we text, it's mostly me kick-starting the conversation.
"Are you at the office already?"
Mostly ... me, doing all the talking. Sometimes he replies fast (within 30mins), sometimes he replies slow (1 - 2 hour), and it doesn't help that one of my biggest pet peeves is people not replying to my messages. How hard is it to type a message? 10 seconds?
Usually, I will type huge paragraphs and he will reply with short answers such as "yah, busy", "haha", "okay" and MIA. It's really frustrating..? Like, I feel like I am the only one trying to connect here. I get it that things get busy at work - yes, I went through the "agency and advertising life", but this is a build-up for years (we have been together for close to 6 years now).
This is a slow build-up since we were 19 years old, since army days, since university days and now, here we are.
The fact is, nothing has changed.
He says that he is busy, but this is not a "temporarily phase" that he is going through. This is going to be his life, for the next 5, 10 or even 15 years. I don't think I am ready to be with someone who is not present most of the time.
Talking about "being present" - when it comes to the weekend and we decide to laze at home, I feel that we are just doing our own things. Yes, guilty as charged (I surf my social media platforms too), but that's the problem - we are present physically, but not mentally.
The connection .... is not there. Is this a "honeymoon is over, my love" phase? Is this how it is going to be for the next 30 years if we get married? Is this how relationships really should be?
I have no idea.
The show build-up over the years. The tension.
I snapped tonight. Nothing happened - just the usual, he went MIA (most likely fell asleep). Sometimes I wondered if he would notice if I disappear. I blocked him on Whatsapp, secretly hoping that he would reply and realized that there is a technical issue and call me.
I feel like I am playing director in my own show.
I know it's crazy to feel this way, "she is exaggerating", but I can assure you that whatever I am feeling now is real. Relationships aren't like The Sims - you can't just talk to Belle and expect the friendship level to remain at Level 5 for the whole game.
Many a time, I wonder if he would only panic when I decide to end things. So many times, the urge to call things off, just to see if he would realize that there IS a difference when I am not around.
Then, I thought:
"Perhaps I am not ready for this. I thought he would always be there, 24/7 for me. I forgot that he would grow, be ambitious and create a life out there. He would get busy. He would not reply as often. He is moving forward"
Am I the problem then? In the midst of everything, did I forgot to grow myself? Was I the one remaining stagnant, and having my whole life revolves around my boyfriend?
Should I rather, focus on myself more? But, but - isn't a relationship supposed to be each other as well? If I love myself more than I should love someone else, am I better off, being single?
I don't know the answer.
Last year, I enjoyed the attention. I enjoyed partying. But I am done with that now - I tried that lifestyle and I tick it off my checklist. Done.
This year (albeit a bit late, since its June), maybe I should stop messaging people and expects people to give me the same attention I give them, just because I don't have a life myself.
Maybe I should just concentrate on myself and everything else will fall into place.
Maybe, I should stop initiating and be the one "who is always there".
Maybe, I shouldn't rush into marriage yet.