Midnight thoughts // 2017 resolution

2017 is one of the craziest year. 

It’s coming to an end, and there will be this whole new year resolution and thoughts thing. 

I’ve always not felt the need to write such just because people are writing it, but the temptation this year is strong. 

 1. Friendship 

I lost a friend this year, by choice. I lost some friends this year, by circumstance. 

I’ve always been the type that need to be around a lot of people, and I’ll feel disappointed/sad/sian when I’m not invited to party because I’ll feel that I’m not liked. 

When it comes to friendship, I’ll try to compromise & you know, even if I’m angry or affected, I’ll just keep quiet so that everyone is happy. 

I chose to end the friendship because I felt she isn’t how I envisioned a “friend” should be. 

I erased the whole paragraph because I think details will just be “gossip fodders” for people, so yeah. Anyway I think from the very beginning, I think we are not suited to be friends because of our personality bah. 

Coming to losing friends to “circumstance”, likely because I changed job and just drifted apart. Sometimes I wish life is like The Sims - it never change. 

But I also made so many new friends this year. It might falter, eventually due to distance. But everyone is still important and a piece of my memory shard this lifetime, be it good or bad. 

And I’m thankful to be able to experience all these feelings and emotion.

Recognise it, then move on. Yeah? 

 2. Growing up 

2 things - from people & naivety. 

I realized that some people in my life doesn’t deserve my attention and friendship, because they are so fake (?). 

It felt good letting go, and knowing that whether they are going to be a part of my life moving forward, doesn’t matter anymore. & I shouldn’t waste my time trying to “connect”. 

There’s this girl whom I really see as a friend, but I realized that she doesn’t. “Smoking” me with ridiculous reasons to put herself in a better light. 

Gross. 

🎭

Naive. 

My mum has always told me not to be too trusting, and I really want to. But when it comes to trust, I give it away too easily. And i paid for the price. 

I told this colleague of mine some stuff, and she probably “mentioned” it to colleague B, then C then blah blah blah. I realized that she’s a blabber mouth, so I stopped telling her stuff. 

But it was too late because word spreads in office & before I know it, people form perceptions on what they choose to believe.

Never mind, we all learn. 

 3. Love 

I had a pause with SJ this year because I felt that we were living on different stage of life. 

Back then, he was schooling & I was working, so we were living on different “timezone” - aka I’m only free at night, but he is not. Then when he is free during the day, I’m working. 

This continued for a while and eventually, took a toll on our relationship because neither of us was willing to give up on our lifestyle habits. 

We talked a lot after the pause. 

And we realized that it wasn’t worth it. Work is work, but work shouldn’t precede over my relationship. I was prioritising work (to a certain extent) over my relationship, family and even health. 

& I’m glad we made it out of that because now we know what we really want. It still get a little hard at times (opening paragraph). This problem is more evident for me because my love language is quality time, so not spending time together is bad. But late replies is worst. 

 4. Health 

Nothing matters more than health. 

My gastric problem took a deep dive for the worst this year because I kept skipping & have irregular meals. 

My mind encouraged it because my weight was going down and my body shape has always been my worst enemy and insecurity. 

But it wasn’t sustainable, & was scraping my healthpoints. It was bad. 

I’m trying to get back into the active lifestyle now that I’m taking a break before the next stint. 

I’ve never worn a bikini in my whole life. I want to. 

 I feel like I’ve grown a lot this year.