Tuesday, May 27

Why i will never feel pretty enough

There are tons of articles out there telling you to believe that you are beautiful. 
There are experiments and videos being circulated around, telling you that you are beautiful in another person's eyes, contrary to your own beliefs.

But the fact remains that i will never feel that i am pretty enough to enjoy these feelings

I think it all started back when i was in primary school. I liked this guy, and one day whilst at the library, he walked past me and muttered "i like your hair", or something along that line. My heart skipped a beat. He was one of the most sought-after and popular guy then in my class (god knows why) and someone calculated that at a point of time, there were 9 - 12 girls who likes him from the class, aka, had a crush on him. I was one of them, but we never talked. We were not friends, we were merely classmates.

I told this to one of my close female friend back then, and she apparently, tattle on me and told him. Later that week were comments sprawled over my chatbox (oh, those sort of thing that was popular then), perhaps from him, or in his name, varying from 

"You think i would like you?"
"You should take a good look of yourself"

& a bonus one

"Your mother was so good in bed last night hahahaha"

Whoever that wrote the last comment, which i believed to be this guy called Zhi hao if i am not wrong. If you ever chanced upon this entry, remember that i will always think of you as a fucktard instead of the guy who rejected Raffles Institution. Doesn't matter if you are 12 years old or not, but you are a fucking bastard and if i can go back time, i would ripped out your dick and tie it around your neck like a bowtie, and perhaps dyed it pink. Just so because its cute.

The guy that i liked was called Jason Lim. You know, if we are friends on facebook, you could probably do a quick search. & if you happen to read this, yes, i still think you are an asshole, but i liked you then. So i am the dumb brunette with brains smaller than my boobs. 
Oh, being young.

Then, there was another example. I had a horrendous haircut back then. Oh, but this probably didn't had such a huge impact on me, but the fact that i still remembered it proves that it did have an impact. This girl, whom i never offended probably in my life, and i do talk to her, complimented me on my hair and giggled whilst walking away. I thanked her. I, from the bottom of my heart, thanked her. You weren't sincere then at all were you, Charlotte? Nope, you were one of those pretentious bitches that i didn't dare to stand up to then because you had friends who could crushed my life if you guys want to. But guess what? My life was torn then already.

To  my form teacher then. I always held you in high regards, and i probably would not expect anything from you. I don't like teachers to intervene because it feels like i'm weak and i cant stand up for myself. You are a good English teacher, but you sucks in dealing with class ties. Maybe you did tried your best to help, but i don't feel it. So i don't feel any sense of gratitude towards you, nor hatred because you were pretty much a neutral party

And to all those bitches and bastards back then in my primary school class, all of you. Thanks for making me believe that i will never be pretty enough for anything because you guys used my physical appearances against me. You made me feel fat, ugly and unwanted. Yay, you did it! Maybe when you are writing some inspirational fucking status on your facebook about how life is blah blah xxx blah blah, you can add this in.

Secondary school wasn't that bad. I had great friends and i learned so much. I was glad to go into Swiss, like i mentioned a lot of times. Yeap, i am glad. 

But there are still things that makes me feel ugly. 

"Hey, can i get to know your friend? She is pretty" makes me feel that i am always inferior to them

"Why you like her? She's so fat! XXX is better, so cute" makes me feel that yeap, i am fat even though i finally felt okay and comfortable with my body.

"Your nose is too big. You will look better with a smaller nose" makes me feel that i am not perfect, and there are things to change.

I think all these constitutes to more reasons of why i feel that i am never pretty enough. The second one was said under the influence that i am not around, and i did heard the conversation (from the start till the end) and there is really no way i could have misinterpreted it. I always, always feel inferior and it would never be good enough. I would always be fat, ugly and there would always be something about my face that i am not happy about. I can never accept a compliment without genuinely agreeing with it, because i feel that people are only saying that from the facade and its not really their true feelings.

But no, i am not trying to say how i don't feel pretty enough. 
All the above are just prelude to what i want to say.

In conclusion, this entry is really just a fucking rant to tell people to stop fucking forcing the idea of "Ohhhh, but you ARE pretty! You should start loving your body you know, self-degrading is sooooo bad"

Fuck you

What do you know? Who are you to judge someone and ask them not to do this and not to do that. 
Ohhh, don't do plastic surgery. You are pretty enough
Ohhh, you don't need to make up, you are naturally pretty.
Whenever i see people slamming bloggers who do plastic surgery, it makes me go wtf literally. Everyone have their own fucking insecurities, so stop trying to impose your own securities on others because no matter what you do, its always gonna be there. If you have nothing better to say, just shut the hell up!

Oh, and i was pretty riled up by this particular article on "why its better to date people who don't make up". and the comments that follow suit, with retards who share that status online. 

Stop forcing your own fucking beliefs and try and "change" the world people think because we (at least for me) don't want to be "changed" or "persuaded" and "believe" that i am pretty enough for society. I accept my insecurities, and it's something that fuels me, like

"yeah, fuck that. I know i am never gonna be pretty, so i'm gonna try my best to be pretty"

Not everyone is like you. Not everyone is as confident as you. Not everyone is born with a pretty face and never had any insults hurled on you on your face, figure. Not everyone is the one who have boys asking information about you from your friends, trying to woo you.

I still remember all these stuffs. Oh god, i am indeed a fucking petty bitch.

I'm happy, if you feel that i am not. I am happy with my life.
I just want people to understand why some people are never gonna accept that compliment, and you should not rendered that as "another of those girls who needs to see more videos on why she is actually pretty"

P.S / If i mentioned your name here, please don't get angry. It was for illustration purposes to convey my points. 

P.S.S / I probably don't give a fuck about you if you do get angry.

P.S.S.S / If you are here and you sympathize with me, you are missing the point of the article because i am not fishing for any types of pity at all. I am not trying to make you feel "OH GOD HER LIFE IS SO SAD" because its not that bad and these are just the bad people amongst the other good people that i meet.

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