Thursday, October 31

Its possible

The entry below may consist of texts or messages you don't feel comfortable/agree/pleased/happy/positive about. 
If you wish to continue reading, do take everything with a pinch of salt. 
That said, read away.

Each time i browse through the pictures i took when i was still at Beijing, i would undoubtedly flinched at how much weight i had gained over the 6 months. I remembered requesting for a weighing machine from the housekeeping department, and my obsession with it was pretty high. 

I went all the way to a good 58kg within the first two months, which is a whopping 8kg from my current weight. It was THAT bad. Before i knew it, i was getting comments from my colleagues on my increasing weight, as well as my rounder and rounder face. 

I hate being fat. I hate being called fat. I remembered being depressed and went on a hunger strike over a dinner when i went out with Deborah & Sijun one day. They constantly told me that i was not, and that i was ok. I was on the plump side, but i was not fat-fat. 

Nah, not really. 
I WAS fat.

& a full body shot some time in September, which was still the first month.

& then December came, so i took a picture with Santa

& January for Deborah's birthday

& if someone out there is still saying that "I look thin", i'm gonna shake you till your intestines comes out.

I don't wanna be on the plump side. Being fat or plump or whatever - i was sick of being on the plus size. I have people calling me names since primary school about my weight and my teeth. I don't really care about my teeth because its something that can be fixed. Weight can't be fixed, not if you are not rich enough for plastic surgery. 

Starting on cosplay made me cared about my weight even more, because i wanna be thin like the characters i chose. I know there are endless of debates about how it's just a hobby and how it's supposed to be "enjoyable and not stressful". But i want people to see the character that i cosplayed, the character that others likes to, to come to life. To be, at least for the day, that character. 

I like the feeling of being skinny. Its really good, and its the best feeling in the world. You feel like you can fly, and that you can wear anything in your closet perfectly. You feel thin, and you feel beautiful. I'm someone who is very, very, very obsessed with my own body size, and i would really make myself go through extreme measures to slim down. Nope, i don't have any eating disorder, nor do i encourage. My extreme measures stops just right before eating disorders. 

I came back to SG and i started to eat a lot lesser. It was very difficult at the beginning because i was not losing weight even when i started to eat lesser. I was stuck at 55kg. The weight only started to come down 2 months into coming back to Singapore.

& my body shots as accordance to the time

This was taken probably during February when i just returned

& during my USS trip in Aug i think?

& October :)

I'm not gonna talk about how being thin is healthy and blah and image size and all those things because you can Google and get thousands of articles on being positive about your own body image.

I'm not saying that being fat is a crime, or its what-what. It's just a personal issue i have with myself since young. That aside, its possible to lose 8kg in 3-4 months guys. You just gotta continue and kick yourself into a routine whereby you don't eat as much.

I guess the taunting and laughs i got from my colleague on how my "waist is starting to connect to my butt" hurts a lot. I tried to laugh it off, but the hurt was still there. It's still fresh, and even though its just a joke, it still hurts. Especially when my boyfriend is so lean and tall <o<

Don't poke fun of a girl too much about her body size. Its always gonna hurt and some girls would take it to a deeper level and fall into the pits of eating disorders. I know how scary it can be. Im just glad that i have a supporting family and a loving boyfriend to hold me from falling over.

To the girls out there. Its not hard to slim down, if you wanna and can. I have friends who suffer from illness or have other heredity issues which obstructs them from being skinner. I don't have those, so i don't understand. But to those who can slim down, just give it a go. You are young, you are at your best. 
Why deny your body the best time of its life? 

I don't know what type of signal i am sending out here. I am not promoting eating disorders or hating your own size. I just feel that if you give yourself excuses with all the positive body image messages and blame everything on how the media creates the definition of thin, you are just gonna be wallowing in sorrow because nothing is gonna change in another let's say, 5 years.

I still feel fat sometimes, and i still think that i am fat sometimes. Its something everyone goes through - as long as you are human. Its normal i guess. But at least i am not as depressed as i was back then. & at least i feel better about myself, and i feel much confident walking on the streets. 

I think all in all, it's just gonna be to stay comfortable. 
I feel comfortable now, so yeah. I think thats all it matters.

Hope my post doesn't send out negative signals or messages to girls out there. I'm just seeing this whole issue from a very, very realistic point of view from my own on body image.

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