Been a while

Been a while since i last blogged! I took on another student for tuition and we had intensive sessions this week because she is having English Oral tomorrow. By the time i ended the second tuition at the 4th hour today, i think i was pretty much a gone case. 

Pretty glad that the crazy week is coming to an end! (or not, because exam is nearing)

I got back my results for Mar Comm and i'm not even sure if i'm supposed to feel happy or just, ok. I passed yeah, but a mere credit is just like a slap in my face that trying to get a scholarship is just another of my stupid dream, just like how i used to think that i will be able to get into a local university despite going the Polytechnic route. But yes, i still very much hate the JC lifestyle.

It's just, just something that seems impossible and a "dream" now. I've been feeling this weird and ugly sensation inside me that i pretty much am a dreamer and there are many things out there that isn't as perfect as i want and think it to be. Its not being pessimistic, its more of like being realistic to me. 

You plan everything until swee swee, and just one small error can make the entire plan go bang! and down. Its just that simple. I don't even know where to start on how messed up i think my life is now, or maybe it's just the PMS hormones talking. 

I need to have some good food real soonnnn.

Some pictures because an entry without pictures is so boring haha

Its actually, just one picture.

Over the weekends

Went out with Sijun over the weekends to Orchard! :) The agenda of the day was pretty simple because we just wanted to spend some time together. Had the famous chicken rice over at FEP, Krispy Kreme donuts and also Thai food over at sunshine plaza. 

Feels so good to be seeing him again. Really sucks to see him feeling so sad over booking in every Sunday. I hope i can help but i can't do anything except to try and cheer him up and make him see the better and positive side of the entire process.

I hope army ends soon for him!! 

Really glad that we managed to got closer to one another and we are sorta much more intimate in terms of emotion and feelings now because we are more open to one another now! I don't like to tell other people about my insecurities and thoughts because i view them as weakness that just makes people judge you. 

Its really amazing how you can actually slowly open up to someone whom you never thought would be the one at the beginning. Its scary but you know what people say - Love like there is no tomorrow.

Woah thats really some cliche shit that i just said LOL.

The student council from the school came around and gave these out to students who were studying on Monday. So nice of them!! 

All those sweet encouraging messages should be passed on, so im gonna mail them to Sijun and brighten up his day :) 

I had been thinking of giving online blogshops another go as well. All those failed attempts at the past gets to me a little, but i realized that after all these years, its still what i like and wanna do. From picking out the clothes, to designing the website, to marketing on social media and designing everything. Lots of shit to be done, but i like doing all of them.

 I just hope to be more determined and set my sights on it soon because if i can't get myself to commit 100%, i don't think i will do it.

Happy April Fool by the way guys! 

Have fun and remember not to go overboard with sensitive topics and harsh jokes :)

Emotional Wreck

I had been feeling like an emotional wreck these days. My self confidence have taken a real deep plunge and i can feel insecurities creeping all over my mind. I had not been on my best form these days. I know that there are many people out there who thinks and talks in different ways and frequencies. 

It's hard to fathom what people think about you, labels you. And at the same time, it's hard to fathom how people see you, label you, and talks about you behind your back.

It's one of those times when i feel a wave of emotions just licking me furiously and eating me up from the inside, and its one of those times when you have no one to talk to. Not, it's not like you have no one to talk to. You have no one you WANT to talk to. You know how it irks people when you keep repeating the same old stupid thing again and again. People asks because they are curious. People asks because they are curious, and from there, they judges the severity of the situation ; but they show care nevertheless because you are their friend.

When you crave for attention and you have to pocket it away somewhere because you know how people talks about attention whores. You need physical touch but you chuck it aside because you know how people talks about sluts. You need a listening ear but you choose to swallow it back because you know how people gets sick of negativity, emotional rants and who really, wants to allow their own positive energy to be ramp down from another being other than themselves. 

The worst thing when it comes to being emotional is not when you have nobody to talk to. 

But it is when you have nobody you want to talk to. 

& all i have you is my little blog to accompany me through those sleepless nights. 

Emo Nemo

1:44am in the morning and its my last "free" day of the entire week to study for my Monday's test. Gets very stressful when you are gonna be sitting for a test, with only 1 question, worth 10% of the module mark but you havent had a test for god knows how long.

I almost wanted to lament myself for signing up for exams and tests again. 

But i need that degree. I need need need.

There's a lot of emotional things going on these days and it kinda affect me on how i feel on a lot of things. I hope it's the PMS working their magic on my brain, and its gonna be sunshine and rainbows soon. 

I just hope that i don't screw anything up.

Not this time.

Uh huh

It do gets hard sometimes when things doesn't go as plan. It do gets depressing sometimes when promised things churned up as empty ones. It do feels lonely at night sometimes when you are supposed to be here but you are not.

Sorry that i am being so emotional in the middle of the night. Is it some universal law that people starts to think more and gets more and more upset as it gets darker and darker? Its like the sky is a direct reflection and proportional to the mood.

Just watched the anniversary episode of Vampire Dairies and i cant believe how far the entire series have managed to come till this date! I got into the fandom during season 2, and look at it now. 

In any case, i have got to stay positive and be an understanding girlfriend. Lol, how cliche of me to have such problems at times when i think about it. Feels so uncool to rant about such trivial stuffs but at the same time, be so bothered about such things.

& the stupid sounds of wind and footsteps outside in the living room when i'm alone at home,  AND the fact that my hair is all oily doesn't make the situation better. When's my mum coming back?!

Let's talk about history.

I was organizing my computer when i saw some old pictures of me lying around today. Decided to take some time to reminiscence about those times. Yeah, get ready. I aren't exactly decent-looking in the past. Definitely.

So here goes nothing.

Lower Secondary

This was the time when i felt that i should start living a new life. I hated my primary school life pretty much, and even though i had a few good friends here and there, it wasn't exactly a period of time worth remembering or even, to miss about. If possible, my last year in primary school was the time i wanna delete away. But you know, there's always things you learn about from bad experiences. So even though i was depressed and sad, it was something that i needed to go through and learn.

Secondary School signaled a new change for me. A new school, new people and a new chance to make things right.

I entered a new class, i made new friends and generally lower secondary was a blast for me. There were a few conflicts here and there with my clique, but eventually it ended well. 

That's me when i was in Sec 1. The three of us were a clique sorta thing. I always liked the idea of "clique". It made me felt a sense of belonging, that somebody would be there for me, and i wouldn't be the "leftovers" during group formation or PE games. It was important to me all along, a sense of belonging.

This was my teacher. She's really fun and i remembered her always wearing the same old skirt around and we would teased her about "wardrobe crisis" during morning assembly. Well, now that i'm working, i know that feeling. 

I joined badminton because i wanted to slim down (i mean really, who wouldn't if you were at my size?) I made even more friends, and being in a sports CCA, team work and spirit was always something you kinda cultivate. I met one of my best friend, Joey, and also my favorite senior, Huili there.

Upper Secondary

I moved to a new class, and i wasn't able to get into the same class as Joey and Hwee Chin because my science results sucks. Oh wells, i always know i sucks in maths and science. I got into a new class, and i dreaded the feeling of having to make new friends again. What if nobody likes me? What if im alone all over again? 

Yupp, and till this date, i was glad the appeal didn't went through. I met many people there, and it made my life experience a much fuller, and a much meaningful one. I had people to go to during breaks, i had friends who ask me to go to lunch. 

Everything may seems so little, so easy to you, but to me, kinda the mere fact of having people wanting me to be there was enough. I was never a good relationship person. I can't put my thoughts into words without hurting people, i make sensitive jokes. 

I always knew that the reason i had so many friendship problems in my life - that there is really, something wrong with me as an individual. Like everyone would say, if everyone hates you, its probably your fault. 

Sometimes i wonder how people around me stand me - i feel that i'm a really bad person. I don't know why people would make friends with me. I'm afraid to make friends because i foresee them leaving one day if we were to hang out too often.

So, this entry is a useless one. It's talking about how failed i feel as a friend. LOL. So im gonna take this opportunity to apologize to everyone, and anyone whom i had hurt before in any way. I don't mean it in any way, but it didn't come out right i guess. I had always been bad with words.

But yeap, i still wanna thank everyone in those pictures (or not but made an impact in my life - like we do talked for more than a sentence back then) who made my secondary life such a wonderful one. I really missed those times sometimes, when everyone would just chiong for 'O' level, have dinner and just enjoy youth in a sense while dealing with exam stress.


Woah. emotional post man. Its a sudden thing, so hmm, i guess people do get more emotional at night. Gonna pop and sleep now. I wonder how many people would read this, but i think i'm gonna try and be a better friend to the ones i meet next time in my life.

So yeap, good night love. x

P.S// i always thought typing a "x" makes everything cute. It does doesn't it /smiles like an idiot