A change of heart

I think the scariest thing that can happen in a relationship is for your partner to tell you that he doesn't have feelings for you anymore. 

Poof.

Just like this. All the feelings are gone. 

#Moderndating? 

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Feeling a little emotional because I happened to chance upon the show "The Ultimate Addiction" on TVB and went online to check out the show. 

Basically, the wife super loves the husband and would do anything for him. But in the end, he fell in love with another girl. I mean yes, she is witty, smart and considered "pretty" in the show - that's her character setting, but I can't help to feel ... disappointed with humanity once again? 

I know that we shouldn't try to grow too emotionally attached to a show, but it just makes me feel really sad to see such ending, especially when it happens to wealthy men.

Does this mean that your husband and/or partner shouldn't be rich because all rich men go astray? She is even willing to go to the extent of "as long as he doesn't fall for them, I'm okay with him sleeping around".

Lol. 

I think it's pretty darn sad to be the one seeing your partner slip away from you, little by little. 

Midnight @ 2.16

I can't believe I got out of bed just to blog this, but I desperately do need to pen these thoughts down. I'm not sure if it's the emotions talking, but I do feel extremely emotional as I type this down now. 

I contemplated dayre-ing this instead of blogging (since nobody comes here anymore) and what's the point of writing all these if nobody comes and comfort me thereafter right? Isn't that the whole point of a concoction that involves "emotional post" and "blog"? 

But the allure of not having anymore read this, but at the same time to be able to pen it down is too great. & I don't want to deal with questions and sympathy should people decide to react to my midnight muse. 

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I feel like my life revolves around my boyfriend. I am working as a freelancer now, and I do have a (much) regular working hours as compared to one of my previous company - so this really mean that I have more time to overthink and get all drama mama. 

But the point is, I really do feel that my life revolves around my boyfriend. 

.

.

.

Monday - Friday,  we work so 80% text +20% meet up (dinner, mostly). When we text, it's mostly me kick-starting the conversation. 

"Good morning"

"How's work?" 

"Are you at the office already?" 

Mostly ... me, doing all the talking. Sometimes he replies fast (within 30mins), sometimes he replies slow (1 - 2 hour), and it doesn't help that one of my biggest pet peeves is people not replying to my messages. How hard is it to type a message? 10 seconds? 

Come on. 

Usually, I will type huge paragraphs and he will reply with short answers such as "yah, busy", "haha", "okay" and MIA. It's really frustrating..? Like, I feel like I am the only one trying to connect here. I get it that things get busy at work - yes, I went through the "agency and advertising life", but this is a build-up for years (we have been together for close to 6 years now). 

This is a slow build-up since we were 19 years old, since army days, since university days and now, here we are.

The fact is, nothing has changed. 

He says that he is busy, but this is not a "temporarily phase" that he is going through. This is going to be his life, for the next 5, 10 or even 15 years. I don't think I am ready to be with someone who is not present most of the time. 

Talking about "being present" - when it comes to the weekend and we decide to laze at home, I feel that we are just doing our own things. Yes, guilty as charged (I surf my social media platforms too), but that's the problem - we are present physically, but not mentally. 

The connection .... is not there. Is this a "honeymoon is over, my love" phase? Is this how it is going to be for the next 30 years if we get married? Is this how relationships really should be? 

I have no idea. 

The show build-up over the years. The tension. 

I snapped tonight. Nothing happened - just the usual, he went MIA (most likely fell asleep). Sometimes I wondered if he would notice if I disappear. I blocked him on Whatsapp, secretly hoping that he would reply and realized that there is a technical issue and call me. 

He didn't. 

I feel like I am playing director in my own show. 

I know it's crazy to feel this way, "she is exaggerating", but I can assure you that whatever I am feeling now is real. Relationships aren't like The Sims - you can't just talk to Belle and expect the friendship level to remain at Level 5 for the whole game. 

Many a time, I wonder if he would only panic when I decide to end things. So many times, the urge to call things off, just to see if he would realize that there IS a difference when I am not around. 

Then, I thought:

"Perhaps I am not ready for this. I thought he would always be there, 24/7 for me. I forgot that he would grow, be ambitious and create a life out there. He would get busy. He would not reply as often. He is moving forward" 

Am I the problem then? In the midst of everything, did I forgot to grow myself? Was I the one remaining stagnant, and having my whole life revolves around my boyfriend? 

Should I rather, focus on myself more? But, but - isn't a relationship supposed to be each other as well? If I love myself more than I should love someone else, am I better off, being single?

I don't know the answer. 

Last year, I enjoyed the attention. I enjoyed partying. But I am done with that now - I tried that lifestyle and I tick it off my checklist. Done. 

This year (albeit a bit late, since its June), maybe I should stop messaging people and expects people to give me the same attention I give them, just because I don't have a life myself. 

Maybe I should just concentrate on myself and everything else will fall into place. 

Maybe, I should stop initiating and be the one "who is always there".

Maybe, I shouldn't rush into marriage yet. 

Midnight thoughts // 2017 resolution

2017 is one of the craziest year. 

It’s coming to an end, and there will be this whole new year resolution and thoughts thing. 

I’ve always not felt the need to write such just because people are writing it, but the temptation this year is strong. 

 1. Friendship 

I lost a friend this year, by choice. I lost some friends this year, by circumstance. 

I’ve always been the type that need to be around a lot of people, and I’ll feel disappointed/sad/sian when I’m not invited to party because I’ll feel that I’m not liked. 

When it comes to friendship, I’ll try to compromise & you know, even if I’m angry or affected, I’ll just keep quiet so that everyone is happy. 

I chose to end the friendship because I felt she isn’t how I envisioned a “friend” should be. 

I erased the whole paragraph because I think details will just be “gossip fodders” for people, so yeah. Anyway I think from the very beginning, I think we are not suited to be friends because of our personality bah. 

Coming to losing friends to “circumstance”, likely because I changed job and just drifted apart. Sometimes I wish life is like The Sims - it never change. 

But I also made so many new friends this year. It might falter, eventually due to distance. But everyone is still important and a piece of my memory shard this lifetime, be it good or bad. 

And I’m thankful to be able to experience all these feelings and emotion.

Recognise it, then move on. Yeah? 

 2. Growing up 

2 things - from people & naivety. 

I realized that some people in my life doesn’t deserve my attention and friendship, because they are so fake (?). 

It felt good letting go, and knowing that whether they are going to be a part of my life moving forward, doesn’t matter anymore. & I shouldn’t waste my time trying to “connect”. 

There’s this girl whom I really see as a friend, but I realized that she doesn’t. “Smoking” me with ridiculous reasons to put herself in a better light. 

Gross. 

🎭

Naive. 

My mum has always told me not to be too trusting, and I really want to. But when it comes to trust, I give it away too easily. And i paid for the price. 

I told this colleague of mine some stuff, and she probably “mentioned” it to colleague B, then C then blah blah blah. I realized that she’s a blabber mouth, so I stopped telling her stuff. 

But it was too late because word spreads in office & before I know it, people form perceptions on what they choose to believe.

Never mind, we all learn. 

 3. Love 

I had a pause with SJ this year because I felt that we were living on different stage of life. 

Back then, he was schooling & I was working, so we were living on different “timezone” - aka I’m only free at night, but he is not. Then when he is free during the day, I’m working. 

This continued for a while and eventually, took a toll on our relationship because neither of us was willing to give up on our lifestyle habits. 

We talked a lot after the pause. 

And we realized that it wasn’t worth it. Work is work, but work shouldn’t precede over my relationship. I was prioritising work (to a certain extent) over my relationship, family and even health. 

& I’m glad we made it out of that because now we know what we really want. It still get a little hard at times (opening paragraph). This problem is more evident for me because my love language is quality time, so not spending time together is bad. But late replies is worst. 

 4. Health 

Nothing matters more than health. 

My gastric problem took a deep dive for the worst this year because I kept skipping & have irregular meals. 

My mind encouraged it because my weight was going down and my body shape has always been my worst enemy and insecurity. 

But it wasn’t sustainable, & was scraping my healthpoints. It was bad. 

I’m trying to get back into the active lifestyle now that I’m taking a break before the next stint. 

I’ve never worn a bikini in my whole life. I want to. 

 I feel like I’ve grown a lot this year.